The Ten Commandments of the LNP

By November 19, 2018Society

Things change over time and rules and regulations constantly need to be updated and modified to cope with advances in technology and social mores. This includes the 10 commandments.

  1. I am the Lord thy God, which have brought thee out of the land of Egypt, out of the house of bondage. Mostly, this has been accomplished by bombing the bejesus out of the local inhabitants.
  2. Thou shalt have no other gods before me. However, if you are a Pentecostal and believe in prosperity theology, you are allowed to worship money first.
  3. Thou shalt not make unto thee any graven image. This of course is OK if it is of a bloke in a loincloth nailed to a cross; or a pope, or a cardinal, or an archbishop, or perhaps even the odd child molester.
  4. Thou shalt not take the name of the Lord thy God in vain. So, when you hit your thumb with a hammer, you must say ‘@#$% me’ or something similar and not ‘Jesus Christ!’ (oh, shit; sorry). In addition, when you are indulging in horizontal folk-dancing you are not allowed to say ‘God!’, ‘Jesus!’, or ‘Holy Mackerel!’, (Shit! Sorry) you must simply utter ‘Gaaak!’, ‘Geronimo!’ or a loud grunt. In addition, you cannot call a Pentecostal person a ‘@#$%^*& muppet’.
  5. Honour thy father and thy mother. There are many ways to do this; making them proud of you is one way, but it is very onerous. Perhaps the best way is to give them money, but you must also make sure that you keep their child molesting secret.
  6. Thou shalt not kill. This only applies to Christians. If they are of another religion it is OK (especially if they are brown), as long as your children don’t have to risk their lives, or it can be done with bombs or missiles from a great height or a great distance respectively. If this killing of brown people causes some of them to arrive on your borders, you can incarcerate them indefinitely so that they kill themselves, which is definitely not your fault.
  7. Thou shalt not commit adultery. This only applies to adults (hence the name), so molesting children is perfectly OK, and covering it up is perfectly OK, too. It also doesn’t apply to someone who works in your office, or a colleague’s office, especially if she is a hottie.
  8. Thou shalt not steal. This only applies to poor people and those who steal from your friends and donors. If you are a politician and you are following the rules you made, then it is perfectly acceptable. If you are a banker it is perfectly acceptable too, especially if the person from whom you are stealing is dead. If you are a church it is perfectly acceptable to coerce people into ‘donating’ money to you, money on which you pay no tax.
  9. Thou shalt not bear false witness against thy neighbour. If you are a politician, it is only your next-door neighbour you need worry about. You can lie to the rest of the populace with impunity, as there are so few decent journalists these days, they will not pick you up on it.
  10. Thou shalt not covet their neighbour’s house, wife, slaves or animals. Again, as long as they don’t belong to your next-door neighbour, this covetousness is perfectly acceptable. If you do get caught doing the horizontal folk dance with someone else’s wife, just pretend it didn’t happen and point to gay people and say ‘they shouldn’t get married.’

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